I recently read Twilight by Stephenie Meyer. You know, the glittering-vampire book. I had postponed reading it for years, because I was absolutely sure I wouldn’t like it. But, as I explained last week, my brain was fried, and I needed a book that needed absolutely no brain power at all. Turns out, I needed my brain a lot while reading this book. Not because I liked it. Instead, I needed it to keep track of all the reasons why it’s one of the worst books I’ve ever read. Want to find out how many reasons I’ve got? Read on!
As always, I my flash reviews start with a short summary. Here it goes: Twilight is about a depressed, clumsy girl called Bella who falls in love with a vampire, Edward, about whom we know nothing apart from the fact that he’s drop-dead gorgeous.
Here’s reason number one for hating this book: look at that summary. I have never read a book in which so little happens. I mean, I have read many books which aren’t about big events but rather about personal development, and some of my favourite books are those in which nothing happens. But there’s no development in Twilight whatsoever. Instead, the entire book reads as though something important could be happening any second now; Bella walking in the forest sounds just as ominous as her describing her boyfriend or cutting chicken. One would think an editor would tell Meyer to make something happen – pronto! Please!
Reason number two: vampires don’t glitter. If you’ve ever read any vampire novels (this one, for example, or this one), you know there’s some basic rules about vampires: they drink blood, they are immortal, and they can’t abide sunlight. According to Edward (he’s gorgeous, you know), those are all myths. Instead, they glitter. Why, Ms Meyer? Care to explain why you decided to do this? This is what bothered me continously while reading: everything felt so significant that, as a result, even the few somewhat significant events fell flat.
Reason number three, four, five, and six: the characters are dull. Bella is clumsy, Edward is beautiful (really, very, exquisitely beautiful), her dad can’t cook, and Bella doesn’t even bother remembering her friends’ names, that’s how memorable they are. Also, apparently the most important part about all the characters is their appearance (Bella faints when he touches her he’s that beautiful). Edward, by the way (did I tell you he has the face of an angel and of a Greek god, simultaneously?), is the perfect gentleman – but we know nothing about him. The only thing worth knowing is that he’s beautiful.
Reason seven: Bella is an insult to all women. She is apparently highly intelligent and reads a lot of books. She writes a paper on how Shakespeare’s plays could be interpreted as misogynistic. Sounds good so far, right? Well. She then goes on to say that her life is over if her boyfriend is not there. He counters by saying she is his life. What kind of intelligent person could say those things? What is wrong with them?! I get they’re seventeen years old (Edward, who happens to be very beautiful, is over a hundred years old, but somehow he still sounds like he’s barely reached puberty now that he’s finally found a girl he likes (oh, and he likes her because she smells good – now, there’s a proper reason to fall in love with someone…)), and I know teenagers can be terribly annoying, but this really is next level, over-the-top, grinding-your-teeth-in-frustration irritating.
And this, I think, is why all adults hate Twilight, and why they should hate it: this is not what teenagers are like. This is not what we were like, were we? Please tell me we weren’t. We didn’t think the only thing we needed was a beautiful partner. We didn’t think lying to your parents and putting ourselves in danger was acceptable (ok, lying is somewhat acceptable). We didn’t really consider our partner the reason we existed. And, most importantly, now that we’re older, we don’t want teenagers to think this is reasonable behaviour. Teenagers are trying to find out who they are, as individuals, and shouldn’t define themselves by their relationship status.
Oh, shit. I have turned into a proper grown-up now. I have become one of those adults who will tell teenagers what they’re supposed to read and what they’re supposed to think, and what is good and what isn’t. And I’m a teacher. I’m supposed to teach them that they’re valuable human beings regardless of their life choices, that they’re seen and that they deserve attention. And I do tell them this. I always support all my students whatever they do, and I will help them whenever they are in need of support.
As long as they don’t read this drivel.
What did you think of Twilight? What was your favourite novel when you grew up? Which book would you passionately discourge anyone to read, and why? Do you ever fear you’ve turned into one of those adults we all hated when we were younger? Please let me know in the comments! Also, don’t forget to follow me for more book-related posts!
The Open Book 