I don’t know what it’s like to have a burnout. I don’t know what it’s like to feel so stuck that the only solution that’s left would be to leave and start a new life. However, when I recently read Breakdown, I kept wondering what’s holding me back, and why I shouldn’t start over, too, just like the main character in that novel. Want to know what it’s about? Read on!
“Mothers aren’t supposed to go on road trips,” is the first sentence of Breakdown, which is about how the mother telling the story is going on one anyway. Traditionally, mothers are not supposed to do anything apart from taking care of their children, their husbands, their jobs, their houses, and their parents. Breakdown starts with how the protagonist chooses not to go to work that day, instead leaving Dublin, where she lives, and Ireland altogether. The reader follows her as she contemplates her motives for leaving and travels further and further away from home, eventually settling in a cottage in Wales.
In the novel, it is mentioned that breakdowns can happen to both people and machines. Regarding the latter, the definition is quite straightforward; something no longer works. When it comes to people, however, it is in the eye of the beholder. While the narrator is considered completely broken down by the people she has left behind, she realises that she is thriving in her little cottage in Wales and will never go home. Therefore, is she really broken down? Or was she living in a broken-down society that does not allow women like her to reach their full potential?
While reading, it was this last question that I kept thinking about. I know we live in a society that has a clear idea about how women are supposed to behave and how we’re supposed to look. This is evident in Breakdown, for the protagonist has her hair cut short right after she’s left, and it’s a shocking decision for her. Cutting one’s hair short seems to be a watershed moment for white women, for it appears they only do such a radical thing when they want to change their lives. I always wish more people would just cut their hair short because it makes them look good and feel confident. I’ve had short hair for years, and I’m perfectly fine. I am. Aren’t I?
Whenever I’m stuck, I always do the same things. First, I stop sleeping because I keep thinking about everything that’s wrong. Then I start crying because I’m tired and I don’t know what to do. Next, I convince myself I’m a terrible person making terrible decisions, which means I worry even more, causing even less sleep. It’s an exhausting vicious circle. I’ve just returned from the pharmacy picking up some prescription sleeping pills, as long as I only use them in case of emergency. This is how I’ve been coping for some time now. Will I go into full breakdown mode soon? And what will I do?
The real first sentence of Breakdown is its epigraph, a quotation from Robinson, a novel by Muriel Sparks: “Things mount up inside one, and then one has to perpetrate an outrage.” In the novel, many causes for the protagonist’s so-called breakdown are laid bare, and it becomes clear straight from the start that it isn’t one single event that makes her decide to leave. Rather, it’s many things at the same time, with no specific reason why she leaves on that particular day. Life, unlike literature, doesn’t need a good reason for anything; it doesn’t have to be tidy and symbolic. Breakdown’s protagonist must have realised she didn’t need a reason to stay and continue living the life she has slowly started to despise.
In an interview with the Dutch magazine Linda., Sweeney said this novel is about being stuck in traditional roles, and the main character manages to escape them. She also said that she was afraid to offend women who didn’t understand why she would leave her husband, because there’s nothing really wrong with him. Furthermore, Sweeney claimed she was afraid she might offend women who have decided not to leave their homes, but realised that she could only offend them if those women knew that part of what she was saying is true. Therefore, Breakdown is not just about one ordinary woman with an ordinary family, but also about society and its expectations of women. Breakdown offers an escape that I had never known existed.
It’s been a couple of weeks since I read Breakdown. However, it’s a novel I think about daily. I keep thinking it might be a good idea to give up on energy-consuming things and say no to people who want to see me. I often feel like staying in bed all day and reading books or watching stupid tv shows. Instead of doing that, I could let the protagonist in Sweeney’s novel inspire me.
Women aren’t supposed to go on road trips. So should I do something unfeminine and just leave?
What did you think of Breakdown? Have you ever had one? Do you think there are some things women should not do? Do you think the protagonist was right in leaving, or did she make everything worse? Do women can decide something just for themselves, or are they always responsible for others, too? Have you ever felt like starting a new life? Please let me know in the comments! Also, don’t forget to follow me for more book-related posts!
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